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Ultrasound puts me here - advice on dealing with comments?

 
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Me+3



Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Posts: 10

PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 8:03 pm    Post subject: Ultrasound puts me here - advice on dealing with comments? Reply with quote

We just found out that this third baby will be another boy, and that means a pack of sons and no daughter for me. I was so sure that this was a girl, the news was very hard for me. The technician said cheerily "This is the first boy I've seen all day!" I wanted to clock her, and curl up and cry at the same time.

Now I'm coming to terms with this, and I'm an emotional wreck. Part of me is really excited about raising all boys, and I know that I'll find ways to nurse the grief of not having a daughter. Right now, the most difficult part for me is dealing with the responses that others have had. My sister-in-law (who just had a baby girl - their first child) reacted with something akin to pity, with the slightest undercurrent of gloating. When people show their disappointment or respond with condolences that we're not having a girl, it just opens up the wound again.

I *am* really excited about this baby - in fact, something that helped immediately was having a great boy's name but feeling uncertain about a name for a girl.

I need advice, fellow MOBs! What helped you nurse any shreds of disappointment, how did you soothe any 'girl' urges, and how did you respond to people who made hurtful comments?

K.
Advanced Maternal Age Mom to two great boys (3yrs old and 22 months old)
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4boys4us



Joined: 25 Feb 2008
Posts: 7

PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 2:28 pm    Post subject: I am there with you! Reply with quote

Hi. I'm new to this forum and wanted to tell you I know how you're feeling. When I found out I was having #4 boy- I was really emotional. I want more then anything for a healthy baby. But I really wanted one daughter. I think the only thing that has really helped me is knowing this is what God wants for our family. He wants me to raise these 4 boys to be the best husbands and fathers they can be. I've had people tell me this and I smile and under my breath say "what ever" - but I know it's true. My boys love me so much. I know we will always be close. I'm sorry you haven't had the most ideal responses for having another boy. Some people don't realize, or care how they respond. My husband's brother and wife have a boy and a girl. We got together for Christmas and they didn't mention one time about me being pregnant. Before we left for the night I said, "did Mike (my husband) tell you we were having a baby in May?" "Oh, ya he said, we're just waiting for another boy to come out, ha ha ha ha." What the heck! It really hurt my feelings, but then I realized I can't let some one elses insensitive comments ruin my day. I need to be greatful for the things I have and love my boys. The only thing I'm really concerned about is adopting 4 daughter-in-laws!! Hopefully one of them will like me.
Anyway, I don't know if I've helped at all, just know that you are not alone. -Aimee
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4boys4us



Joined: 25 Feb 2008
Posts: 7

PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 2:28 pm    Post subject: I am there with you! Reply with quote

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Me+3



Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Posts: 10

PostPosted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 4:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the support. My emotional response has really caught me off guard because I'm generally *not* tied to lots of gender specific ideas or identity. My feelings about having a daughter weren't about shopping, or clothes, or bonding over 'chick' stuff - although I imagine that might have happened.
And yet.
I feel very snappish when mothers with both sons and daughters make comments - any comments. I just want to say (right now, while I'm still a little raw): You - you don't get to say anything.
I just always thought I'd have a daughter, you know?
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4boys4us



Joined: 25 Feb 2008
Posts: 7

PostPosted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 7:15 pm    Post subject: Dealing with comments Reply with quote

I know what you mean. I never thought I wouldn't have a girl either. I have a friend who is exactly as far along as I am. She has a 3 year old boy and thought this one would be a girl. I found out a week before she did what I was having. When I tried sharing my mixed emotions about another boy, she really didn't understand and kept saying well you're ment to raise sons. Then she found out she was having another boy. It wasn't until then that she understood what I was feeling. She called me and apologized for not being more- I don't know the word she used, but understanding about my disppointment. There are special qualities and special times to share with both son and daughter, and I'll never have those times with a daughter. My mom and I are pretty close and really give understanding support. Support that only women can really give to women. I love my sons, my hope is that we may have a close relationship and stay close no matter who they date or marry. I've had a lot of anxiety about a fourth boy, but more then anything I hope he's healthy.Please e-mail me anytime. I'm hear to listen. Good luck with everything. -Aimee
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joyful327



Joined: 06 Mar 2008
Posts: 3

PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 5:26 pm    Post subject: Hi Reply with quote

Hi and ((HUGS))

I just found this board today. I am in a similar situation, except its boy #2 for me. I found out 2 days ago. I love my sweet little boy and I hope his little brother is a clone of him.

I wish I had some great profound advice for you but I really don't Sad

We're telling everyone its a surprise (which is true its a surprise for them!) because I don't want to deal with comments. I know that you've already told some family, but maybe if you haven't told friends, etc., yet, you could just say its a surprise, which is still true its a surprise for them! I guess it does make it more complicated since you've already told some though.... But with total strangers you could say that.

Another option... maybe when they ask just tell them you're happy, never let them know that you have any drop of disappointment. I'm definitely not saying you need to lie, but make it sound like you didn't want a girl. I think if someone makes a rude comment just tell them something like "My boys are sweet and I'm so happy to be having another one.)

I have actually made an appt with a counselor, if I get any good advice, I'll post it here.

Ironically, my dh and I dealt with infertility - you would think after going through that I wouldn't care!!! (We never One thing that has helped me is reading infertility message boards - what would be worse, having 3 boys or no kids at all? Also, reading message boards for parents of special needs kids helps too. We do have alot to be grateful for.

((HUGS))
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karalynskinner



Joined: 07 Mar 2008
Posts: 1
Location: Terre Haute, IN

PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 11:59 pm    Post subject: Been there, done that! Reply with quote

Gosh, I would have sworn I was reading a page in my diary when I was reading your message. I too have three boys, and in less than three years ~ 3 yrs, 2 yrs, and 7 mos. Like yourself, my sister-in-law is also pregnant for the first time having a girl! On the inside, I was heart-broken to learn my third baby was a boy because, like yourself, I was convinced it was finally my girl. I too, never imagined myself not having a girl at some point, but I fear I am not going to be able to convince my husband of one more child.

One thing I started to do was rephrase my answer to everybody's question "Do you know what your are having?" I stopped using the phrase "another boy". Instead, answer with "a beautiful boy" or "a healthy baby boy". People somehow thought that by me using the word "another" they could go ahead and speculate at how disappointed I must have been. I realized that their focus needed to be shifted to the fact that this baby is healthy and loved. In doing this, I didn't have to revisit my feelings of disappointment 82 times a day every time anybody asked the question.
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my3sons



Joined: 10 Mar 2008
Posts: 1

PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 12:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am a mother of 3 beautiful healthy boys. There ages are 4, 3 & 1. I love them so much, but feel lost inside for not having a girl. I feel as though my life is not complete, and I honestly do not know how to get past this. I know I shouldn't feel this way, as all of my boys are healthy. But I never imagined my life without a beautiful baby girl. I am 41, and my husband does not want to have any more children, not to mention I would probably just have another boy. In addition, my oldest boy is a has some behavioral issues, and another baby would not be a good idea for our family.

Today, I was told my neighbor down the street was having her fourth child, and it is a girl (after having 3 boys). Instead of being happy for her, I am sad for myself. Sad because I will never know what it is like to have a daughter. A daughter I want so badly. I know there are women who can't even have children and I am so blessed to have my boys, but why do I still feel so sad and incomplete? How can I get rid of this feeling?

I am glad I am not the only one who feels the way I do, and I thank all of you for sharing your stories. And congrats to all of you on your soon to be latest additions. Very Happy
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Tav Mom



Joined: 08 Mar 2008
Posts: 386
Location: Arizona

PostPosted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 11:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would think that all these feelings are perfectly normal and it's ok to feel them. When my hubby was really upset about not having a girl, it seemed sort of like he was grieving for the daughter he'll never have. And I've tried to be supportive and helpful with it.
Girls are fun, but I think we all know how much fun boys are too!! Very Happy
_________________
~Kathy, mom to:
Connor-4/02
Aiden-1/04
Keegan-7/06
Tarik- 7/08
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amy



Joined: 25 Mar 2008
Posts: 1

PostPosted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 11:32 am    Post subject: boy #3 on the way in May Reply with quote

Hi everyone,
I am new to the site and very glad I found all of you! I read alot of posts and its comforting to know we are all in the same boat! I now know I am not the only one having feelings of emptiness b/c I know I'll never have my girl. I, like many of you, feel guilty even having these thoughts but I have them none the less... I feel guilty b/c as I am typing this, (with tears rolling down!) my hopefully healty little boy is kicking in my belly. #3 is due May 27th- is someone else due in May I read? We found out we were having a boy in January. With my other 2 sons (Ryan and Evan, 6 and 4) and my husband and I in the room. My older son Ryan said "aaahhh, we wanted a girl". I held it together until we got to the car and just lost it! My poor 4 year old kept asking why I was crying! So I had my day of crying with my sweet sympathetic husband at my side and now I tell myself and everyone else that I'm fine with it and excited to meet our new son! Which is true, but why then, did I start crying at Babys R Us last week, when my husband and 4 year old went to register for a few things that we need? I think it was when we passed the 6th shopping cart with a baby girl in it- or was it when I passed the baby girls Easter dresses?!? Anyway, I wish I had great advice for us, girls. But all I can do is listen and learn and thank God for my healthy brood o' boys!
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NicoleT



Joined: 26 Mar 2008
Posts: 5

PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 7:53 pm    Post subject: I have 3 boys all one year apart... Reply with quote

Our third preg. wasn't planned but when I found out it was a boy honestly I was grateful. It would really freak me out having a girl in this day and age. It just would. My oldest son is 3 and little girls his age are already mean to eachother. It's insane. I would be freaking out with worry day in and day out if I had a girl. My youngest son is now 1 and he just completes us as a family so much. It's like he was meant to be here. The boys are a little trio and they are so connected and so close. I'm envious of their bond sometimes b/c I just had a brother and no sister. Boring. You'll be so excited once you lay eyes on this 3rd son, I promise.
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sheriNW



Joined: 07 Apr 2008
Posts: 1
Location: Lafayette, OR

PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 1:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just found this website tonight and joined right away. I have two little boys and we have spent the last year or two trying to decide if we want to try for a third, and last.

When I found out I was having a second boy, my husband and I were at our in-laws' that night. I was so excited just to find out what we were having and wasn't disappointed by a second boy. I said, "well, guess what? We found out what we're having", etc... My teenage sister-in-law says, "A girl?????" I excitedly said, "nope, a boy!" and all of a sudden, the excitement faded from their faces. I couldn't believe it. I didn't understand. I was raised in a home where everyone's ecstatic even if it's your tenth boy. It's so exciting just to find out. I felt frustrated. It actually came up later when I was talking to my m.i.l. and I talked about how that incident made me feel as I was crying. She had no idea she had hurt me, and was kind and just listened. I think it was good I could share that because I think it made her aware that there are some people who aren't disappointed with a second boy and that maybe they shouldn't feel disappointment when someone shares their "another boy" news.

That all said, I am just one of those people who never had a strong desire for a girl. They are so complicated and I feel like I can't even keep up or understand my OWN emotions, let alone a daughter's. I'm a little scared of having a girl if we try for a third baby. However, for the moms grieving the fact they won't have a daughter, I can relate a tiny bit because now that I have two boys, I notice every precious little girl I see. I'm very drawn to girls right now. One thought I'd like to put out there: there's a lot of "big brother, big sister" programs where you can "adopt" a little girl who is at risk, and meet with her once a week and be a support person to her. This may help meet that need of wanting to nurture a little girl with love and your own unique creative talents and shopping abilities:). I know it's not the same as having a child of your own, but how wonderful for a little girl who may not get much love at home to be lavished on by a mom who has a lot of love to give to a girl.
Sorry for the long post!!!
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