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yyyyyxymommy



Joined: 21 May 2006
Posts: 3

PostPosted: Sun May 21, 2006 9:34 am    Post subject: ultrasound Reply with quote

I am sure I am going to get a bunch of "just be thankful" emails. I AM thankful. Let me make that clear from the start. I am just hoping this will be a safe place to vent my disappointment anyway.

I have hyperemesis which means I get super sick when I am pregnant. It is a horrible experience and hard on my entire family.

I have had a stillbirth of a boy halfway through my pregnancy due to a cord accident in 1998. Early in that pregnancy I had twins and one vanished. So I understand how wonderful it is to have a healthy baby. I LOVE my boys. They are all wonderful and I am glad they are boys.

In 2001, we adopted a baby girl after 5 boy pregnancies (4 living) and she is a true joy and a precious gift. I treasure every moment with her. She is truly my girl.

On Friday we found out that this surprise baby I am carrying is another boy. I am overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and I feel horrible for it. I know I should just be grateful there is a heartbeat and everything looks healthy. But I am so sad that I will never know what a girl that my husband and I would have had together would look like or be like. Never a girl to carry on the trait of my great grandma's longer second toe or our family's women with dark hair and blue eyes and round faces. Never to see her get an expression like my grandma or look like one of my sisters or have a voice like my aunt. My adopted daughter will never have a sister. I so very much treasure my sisters and wanted that for her.

Am I just horrible or have any of you felt this? Not ungrateful that each baby is a boy, but sad that you will never have a bio girl? I feel so badly that I am feeling so sad about it. This poor baby. It isn't his fault. I know he will be adorable and precious. But truly, I DO wish he was a girl.

I will put on a happy face and tell everyone how funny it is that it is another boy. I'll lie and tell them I am not disappointed. That I HAVE the only girl I ever wanted. I'll tell them that God knows best about which gender our family needed but in my heart I am hurting.
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sharon
Site Admin


Joined: 23 Apr 2005
Posts: 35

PostPosted: Sun May 21, 2006 12:30 pm    Post subject: ultrasound Reply with quote

I remember the disappointment after first learning that my third child would be another boy. I love my boys, but I'd just thought the odds were this one would be a girl. So I had allowed myself to think about doing 'girl things' with my daughter and suddenly after the ultrasound results those things disappeared. The disappointment didn't last long because I focused on the things I loved about having boys. And he would be my third boy, not my fifth like yours will be. I'm sure I would be more emotional about it if I'd had even more boys already. So I think what you're feeling is probably completely natural and is nothing to feel guilty about.

I remember after the ultrasound, my husband and I got to the car, and I immediately called my mother. She'd thought it would be a girl, although she never said she wanted it to be a girl (she had six grandsons and one granddaughter). I remember saying, "It's healthy, Mama, but it's another little boy." "That's fine," she replied right away. "That's all right. You know he's going to be precious." Hearing my mother say that and telling that she meant it helped me a lot. I'd always had a close relationship with her, as did my two older sisters and one brother. I'd looked forward to someday having a relationship with my own daughter like that. Having my mother be okay with it helped my disappointment to be brief.

But even now, I look at my 25-year-old niece as she sits in a family group telling us about something that happened at work, and my heart aches when she leans against my sister (her mother) or drapes her arm across my sister's shoulders as she's talking. Or when I see a little girl with blonde hair and blue eyes who looks a lot like I did growing up.

Yet, I have a nephew, who is now 22 who went through a bone marrow transplant for leukemia when he was 9. I remember the cancer ward very well, what my nephew went through and what other kids we knew went through. Health is the most important thing, as you already know. This whole experience helps me put things into perspective.
It sounds like, though, you already have a pretty good perspective, and you realize what's the most important thing. I think you need to go through this phase of 'letting go' of that image of your biological daughter.
I think those of us with sons all have to do that; yet, the more sons you have, I think the deeper that pain of letting go will be.
So my advice is to not deny those feelings and certainly not feel guilty about them. But I don't want you to lose the excitement simply of having another baby. And later, I think the excitement of having another boy will grow, too.
We will always feel those little aches when we see women with their daughters. You do have a daughter, and I'm sure in time, that relationship will grow into what my sister and her daughter have. But it's only natural to remember our own childhoods, the way we looked, the things we did, and our own families and wonder what our biological girl would be like.

So don't feel bad. Feeling those emotions and letting them out will help you, I think, be able to move on and accept that little bundle wrapped in another blue blanket with open arms and an open heart.
Despite the chaos in our house, I wish I'd had more than three. I wish I had the opportunity to love and hold another little boy. Cherish it.
Hang in there,
Sharon
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yyyyyxymommy



Joined: 21 May 2006
Posts: 3

PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2006 7:48 pm    Post subject: Thank you! Reply with quote

Thank you for your kind and understanding reply. I am glad I am not the only one who has felt like this. I do feel badly, like I am not being grateful for the tiny, precious boy growing so innocently inside me.

I am still struggling, especially as I field all of the responses well meaning people give. But I do know I will adore this baby as much as all of my dear children.

Again, your reply helped me. I don't feel quite as much like a horrible person. Thank you:)
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3-young-men



Joined: 05 Jul 2006
Posts: 5

PostPosted: Thu Jul 06, 2006 12:29 am    Post subject: I know how you feel.. Reply with quote

We went into ultrasound preview for our 3 rd child.. and I had felt it was totally different than my other 2 boys... I sat in the chair.. and she did her thing.. and then she said would you like to know.. I said yes please..
I grabbed my husband hand.. and just looked up at him... and she ran acrosso the privates.. and I knew what I saw.. I looked away in tears.... litterally crying... My hubby knew.... but the tech said to me.. what is wrong.. I just said to her.. I know it's another boy....
She asked how many boys I have.. and I told her 2... and this one was suppose to be a girl.. Sigh... wasn't imprest at all.. But... nothing we can do as parents right.. we take what we get.. and we love them just the same...

Now.. I have had many female issues.. which has taken away my rights to have more babies... Not that I would try again.. But.. knowing that I couldnt' try no more was worse then finding our Spencer was a boy...

I think all mom's feel that way at one point.. I try to steel my nieces alot to come out here and get their nails done, and their hair into braids.. and I just have them here all the time. hehe...

Proud to be a mom to boys now though.. they are very easy.. atleast.. for now... Austin age 11 is changing.. so this is going to be a ride I think... lol. But... then again.. I don't know.. He is the first for it all..

Hang in there.. and Congrats...
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Lisa
Mom To:
Austin>11
Tavin>8
Spencer>7
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ncmomof3boys



Joined: 08 Feb 2007
Posts: 1

PostPosted: Thu Feb 08, 2007 2:49 pm    Post subject: Ultrasound results Reply with quote

I went through these same emotions upon finding out I was having my 3rd boy. I was horribly sad but then guilty that I wasn't just grateful for having a healthy baby. I ended up talking to a professional about it so I could "get over" those feelings before the baby was born. Her insight was great.

She said to remember that what I wanted was a girl in ADDITION to my boys, not instead of. She said that most women want both a boy and a girl - that is normal. She said I did not need to focus on "getting over" these feelings but rather deal with them as they came. She said they would come and go throughout the life of the child. For example, my husband is thrilled with having 3 boys but this woman told me he might get sad when he realizes he will never walk a girl down the aisle at her wedding.

My boys are now 10, 12 and 14 and I am actually glad to have 3 boys as it makes life much easier than it would have been with a girl. I remember sitting at boys scouts thinking how grateful I was to have to only go ONE place rather than to boy scouts and girl scouts! This realization took me about 5 yrs and I still have my "girl-wishing" moments but they are not nearly as often as they were when my children were small.

Good luck and remember it is normal to feel this way!
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boyzeverywhere



Joined: 09 Feb 2007
Posts: 1
Location: Akron, OH

PostPosted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 7:26 pm    Post subject: ultrasound Reply with quote

Your post took me right back to the day that we found out that our 3rd & final child was a boy. He would be joining his 2 brothers...3 boys. I, too, cried, created an actual list of things that my hubby & I were going to miss & felt quite guilty about my reaction. Today, that 3rd baby boy (along w/ his brothers) brings me the purest kind of joy. Take the time to "grieve" the lost ideal, but then move on to the joy of having another baby.

I will tell you, too, that in recent years, (my baby is now 7) I no longer feel the girl-desire that I had earlier. I can't quite explain it, but I now just try to appreciate all of the fast-paced, craziness of the 3 little men that have stolen my heart forever. You will get passed this.

So, what baby BOY names are you thinking of? I just love Kade or Cooper. Smile

Lori
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Mama Jax



Joined: 15 Feb 2007
Posts: 3
Location: Australia

PostPosted: Mon Feb 19, 2007 3:46 am    Post subject: ultrasound Reply with quote

Your post back last May really hit home about how I have felt for the past year since by fourth baby was born. I totally understand your feelings of loss, sadness and most of all guilt. I too struggle at times with the overwhelming emotions when I realise that I will never have the kind of relationship with a daughter that I have with my mother Sad . I am working really hard at the moment to overcome this struggle so that I can get the most from my boys who I love with my whole heart. This website helps so much.

I guess by now you have had your little prince. If you have a chance, let us know how you are and how you are feeling. I would love an update. Well hope to hear from you sometime. You are a fantastic mum and your kids are lucky to have you honey! Like Dr Phil always says, "the best thing you can do is take care of your children's mother". I know, easier said than done! Laughing
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laytonfamily



Joined: 12 Mar 2007
Posts: 8
Location: Clayton, NC

PostPosted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 3:35 pm    Post subject: I know what you are feeling Reply with quote

When I was pregnant with my third child, I knew it was different (had to be). We waited longer and even tried some of those old wives tales on how to get pregnant with a girl. I went for my ultrasound and before the doctor could tell us the sex I could see his penis. I was heartbroken. I broke down in the doctor's office crying because I was not having a girl. My older boys were with us and had been telling me for months how they wanted a girl, because it would be something different. When they found out it was a boy, my middle son, 5 years old at the time, told me he was glad it was a boy because he couldn't play with a girl. I was so upset that our third child was another boy, but in time I realized God only gives you what he thinks you can handle. And if you have a house full of boys, you have been truly blessed. We are now thinking about adopting, but we have a lot of questions and apprehensions to get through first. Good luck!!
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christellanne



Joined: 31 May 2007
Posts: 3
Location: Spokane, WA

PostPosted: Thu May 31, 2007 11:49 pm    Post subject: Just found out about my 5th boy.... Reply with quote

I am ashamed to tell people how I feel. I am the oldest of five kids, I have all brothers. I never had a good relationship with my mother, an aunt, grandmother etc. Then I had 4 boys. My husband and I decided that we were done, cause I was tired!

Then, despite birth control, we are now expecting our fifth baby, and as many of you have said, this pregnancy was completly different. No sickness that plagued my other four, no fatigue, not much weight gain, no mood swings etc. I tried to remain indifferent to the sex, but I could not. Everyone around me kept saying " Oh, God must be giving you the girl you always wanted". Well, we found out yesterday it is our fifth boy.

I was devastated, but I do not feel like I can really show it. I didn't want this one in the first place, and now I get another boy. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my boys, but I am so tired, and the thought of another baby , let alone another loud, smelly boy just depresses me. I also feel so much guilt for being so disappointed in what this baby is. I hate myself for that.

The only thing I ever wanted was to have a relationship with some other female like I never had with my mom, and now I feel totally alone. No one will ever want to be like me, no one will ever look to me for advice. etc.

This will all pass, as it did with my fourth ( although that was less severe). I am just really struggling right now.
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boysx5



Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 4
Location: MD

PostPosted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 7:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have five sons and with my fifth they told me at first it was a girl I jump off the table and said are you sure well then the baby moved and that couldn't tell. The next ultrasound sound that it was 99.9 percent it was a boy and yes it was a dissapointment but he was healthy and I was happy for that. I will miss not having a girl to have that mom and daughter time when I'm older but after five kids I'm done so I guess I hope one day to have some nice dil
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candynflowers



Joined: 29 Jan 2008
Posts: 11
Location: Oregon

PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 3:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I totally understand how you feel. I just found out yesterday that our third baby to be born is gonna be another boy. I never invisioned I would never have a little girl. I even saved all my old barbies for her. I was disappointed both times before that they were boys instead of at least one girl. this time everyone was so sure it had to be a girl this time, its all anyone ever talked about was getting girlie things for the new baby. even our 6 year old wanted a girl this time. It was good to hear that the disappointment and feelings are normal. I dont know if we will have anymore since I am 35 and I am very nauseous with all the pregnancies through the whole thing which makes it hard to enjoy being pregnant at all much less the disappointment of another non-girl.

now I have to go around and tell everyone that its not a girl like we hoped and some of them just dont understand how I feel. I am greatful the baby is healthy. both my sons had slight birth defects but are healthy otherwise and I had 3 misscarriages before having my 2 boys but wow, I really wanted a girl to share girl stuff with and I was so jealous when dh's brother finally had a baby and it was a girl.
hugs, lisa
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mel



Joined: 13 Nov 2007
Posts: 34
Location: Philadelphia

PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 11:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

candynflowers wrote:
now I have to go around and tell everyone that its not a girl like we hoped and some of them just dont understand how I feel.


Well, I think how you feel is perfectly understandable. In fact, I think it would be strange for someone in your position to not be disappointed. That's why I can't imagine trying again. I think the disappointment 3rd time around would be more than I could possibly handle.

What I want to know is how to learn to live with this. I can't change the children I have and I can't change the person I've always been. So how do I learn to live with the disappointment of this life that isn't anything like what I wanted?
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candynflowers



Joined: 29 Jan 2008
Posts: 11
Location: Oregon

PostPosted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 1:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thats a toughie, I think we all have various ways of coping and with time I can only hope the pain is less, the pain of my misscarriages did improve with time, I dont forget them but I dont hurt all the time anymore either. I did not have any trouble bonding with either of my boys when they were born and love them dearly but it still is hard not to be envious/jealous at times of those who have girls. I hope it will get easier with time but I dont know for sure. I do know that if the hurt is really overwhelming it would be good to seek someone to talk it through with who would be understanding/objective as its ok to feel hurt but you dont want to hurt so bad that you cant function or are miserable all the time. best wishes, lisa
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cindybasty07



Joined: 05 Apr 2010
Posts: 1

PostPosted: Mon Apr 05, 2010 12:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

As I started to scribble my keyboard, I have this feeling of empathy to the couples especially to the wife. I understand what you feel. It's really hard to expect so much when we know in the end we'll be hurt. But on the lighter side of it, you must be thankful on the first place that your baby boy was healthy (as I am expecting until today). You have your baby girl though she is not a biological offspring. Just be thankful, lady.
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sabrina*1



Joined: 14 Apr 2010
Posts: 7
Location: United States

PostPosted: Wed Apr 14, 2010 9:38 pm    Post subject: 2nd boy Reply with quote

I'm new here and just found out yesterday that I'm having my second boy(who will be my last child). I hate to admit it(and only done so to other moms of boys) that I'm grieving the loss of not ever having a daughter. I'm very happy to be having another boy and thrilled that my son will have brother...I love having a sister.
I had never thought for one second that I wouldn't ever have a girl. She would've had my name as her middle name( I have my mom's name as mine and she has her mom's name as hers). It seems so strange. The hardest thing for me as that my mother died when I was a teenager. I never got to shop for my wedding dress with her or have her help me with my kids. I always thought I would get to have that relationship back with my own daughter. So, I'm also having feelings about my mom being gone. She had 2 daughters and always wanted a son...she would probably have some good advice right now.
I'm also trying to wrap my head around the fact that I'm having 2 boys and all that comes with that.....
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